The Legend of Mo’orea
The Island of Mo’orea was originally conceived of by Ian Flemming as the setting for the ultimately-unpublished Bond novel “The Return of Pussy Galore”. The island’s name was derived from the tag-line of the main villain, Australian frontiersman Ripper Ramsay, who would often exclaim “Pussy? There’s more ‘ere mate!” to taunt the British spy. Ramsay’s evil headquarters was to be cradled in one of Mo’orea’s famous valleys, in an unsubtle nod towards the the film’s eponymous organ.
Mo’orea existed only in this conceptual state until 1992 when the Wu-Tang Clan commissioned noted French designer Philippe Stark to propose some alternatives for the group’s inaugural studio and headquarters. Stark, as avaunt-guard in his musical preferences as his industrial designs, immediately saw the Clan potential and thought big. Island-sized big.
On first seeing Stark’s proposal, Ghostface Killah responded in a typically taciturn manner, asking the designer what he thought of the design. Stark, always eloquent in his humility, replied simply “It ain’t nuttin ta fuck wit.” The design was roundly supported by almost all members of the Clan, with Ghostface Killah as its main proponent.
The actual construction of Mo’orea was contracted out to a Magrathean firm, Mammoth Erection, famous for the northern Russian landmass and Dirk Diggler. The island was built in the dry-docks of the Brooklyn Naval Yard, and completed in record time. Almost immediately though, the gorgeous geological structure came under fire from a number of parties, who were clearly unaware with the island’s un-fuck-wittable-ness. The primary accusation was a purported familial relation between Ghostface Killah and designer Philippe Stark, and it wasn’t long before a flock of vampire lawyers descended on Mo’orea citing conflict of interest and copyright infringement. The Clan made no public comment, but let their stewardship of Mo’orea lapse to avoid a costly legal battle during that critical formative period.
Mo’orea sat unused off Staten Island in New York’s Lower Bay, wrapped in red tape, for almost a decade before a surprising engineering failure led to the loosening of its moorings. Mammoth Erection, ironically accustomed to much larger projects, underestimated the strength of the Gulf Stream current in the North Atlantic, and did not use a sufficiently large anchor on the island. It was the first (and last) time Mammoth Erection was guilty of applying inadequate ground tackle. The Atlantic didn’t return calls from the construction firm the next day, despite a number of increasingly desperate-sounding text messages.
After shaking loose its earthly tether, the island drifted east through the Atlantic, south around the Cape of Good Hope, up through the Indian Ocean, around Australia (which rejected its asylum application) and eventually emerged into the vastness of the Pacific. Caught in the South Equatorial Counter Current, Mo’orea was on a collision course with the island of Tahiti when the French Government, loath to let this prestigious colonial holding be damaged, intervened. In a strange coincidence of nomenclature, France applied to Tony Stark and Stark Enterprises to stop Mo’orea and affix it just off Tahiti to improve sunset views. Stark’s ground tackle succeeded, unceremoniously depositing Mo’orea barefoot in the kitchen of the Pacific.
To this day Mo’orea remains moored off Tahiti, and is governed by the French. The island has $3 billion in unpaid parking tickets – it was erroneously moored in a handicap zone and a resolution has been hindered by standard levels of French bureaucracy.
